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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
2:51 am - Update.
Well so much to update wow .. sorry I have neglected my journal. But its been a rather busy few months.
So I'm doing this in point form .. heh ...

- I started my own business, its doing GREAT .. like better then great .. I am having fun and making good money.
- I love my life
- I have a sweet guy, who I love to cook for .. and snuggle with and just to be around.
- I have a bunch of GREAT friends ..
- in a week I am going to BC on a roadtrip with a friend .. we are camping across Canada .. and I am flying back

hmm .. I will fill you in more later

current mood: Totally Fantabulous

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Saturday, December 29th, 2001
5:53 am - I'm back .. I think .. heheh
Well its been a long fucking time since I've updated .. I had an interesting evening, and I met a super duper cool buddy on here, so I figure I should update ;} I went to drop coffee off to my ex coworker, who is also my ex's sister. She was flyering out in the cold. So anyways ... while at work .. two men took us to their place which was just across the street, Natalie and I had 2 glasses of very nice merlot, then went back to work. I stuck around with her cause she is so fucking cool. And then this guy out of nowhere was like .. come smoke a joint. So we were like all over that .. like white on rice. Then when she was done work at 4 .. we went to have coffee .. and ran into my ex and another ex coworker ... smoked yet another rather large joint. And then went and had coffee, meanwhile the whole time my ex*** was muttering about his new girlfriend cheating on him .. *snicker* ... then I came home


*** Read the next entry where I catch you up on my lovely life that you have missed.

current mood: amused

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Saturday, October 28th, 2000
6:00 am - Used butter ?
I went out for breakfast with a friend Friday morning .. ordered a HUGE breakfast .. it came with a pancake .. with two little tubs of butter ...

One of them was open .. and had been half used ...

Hrm ... I found it rather funny ... and couldn't stop laughing heheh

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Monday, October 23rd, 2000
4:50 am - I have found my Angel ..
Ok .. well .. I haven't updated in a long time. Been very busy .. very very busy .. with work and other stuff.
But .. I talked to an old friend(exlover) the other day for the first time in almost a year. He messaged me out of the blue. He made me smile, he is one of the few guys I know that treats me like a lady ... I love him for it.
I spoke with another ex this evening .. he lives in Nebraska. The cutest little southern accent, as he grew up in Missippi. He made me smile. He is one of the most amazing people in this world.
PLUS, one of my friends is going to help me out, finding a place and paying off my debt. She is loaning me most of the money .. I love her, she is my angel .. she is .. beautiful in ever sense of the word.
I am happy.
I am at peace.

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Monday, October 16th, 2000
4:22 am - My Father
I found out earlier today that my father will need surgery within the next few weeks, or he will not be able to walk properly. Ever again.
What can I do ? I feel helpless. I feel like a burden. He will be turning 60 on November 11th, and he is starting to look old. I have been a burden on him, I have asked for too much. Emotionally. I have asked for his support through my recent problems.
The surgery and after costs he can not afford. He only work a few days a week, and he can barely get out of bed anymore to work. This means I need to put more hours in at work, which means 20 hour days. Seven days a week. I don't know if I can do it. I need to do it though.
I am all he has now. I need to be there for him like he has been there for me. I -will- do this for him, even if it means draining every bit of energy out of myself.
What else can I do ? He was so active, and vibrant, and now he is fading, and I can't bear it. I can't bear watching him just lying there.
I sat down with him the other night and watched a movie he had from when he was in Africa, peacekeeping. I watched it before, but this time I cried, tears rolled down my face.
He told me stories. Of his best friend being killed, in a freak electrical accident, of how his father gave up going to Africa for his family. How when he and my mother were happy at one time. How I was as a small child.
I don't want to lose him. I can't. I would be lost.
I need to learn so much from him. I want to learn how to do calligraphy, heraldry, how to drive a motorcycle. How to be truely happy. How to live my life filled with love, and not hate and bitterness. All his stories, all his advice.
*sigh*

current mood: confused

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Friday, October 6th, 2000
10:49 pm - Here comes the Sunshine
Well life is looking up for me. I a seeing a very sweet and caring guy. Well not seeing just rather casual stuff. But he is very intelligent, he knows where he is going in life, and how he is getting there.
I am doing well in my job, its going very good, I work about 50 - 60 hours a week now .. and I only have one job again, which has elevated some of my stress.
I feel pretty good physically, except I need to get more sleep.
The deadline for a debt I have has been extended till December, which helps a lot.
I feel like everything is coming together, even if it is going slow.
Well at work now, so I'll write more later ...

current mood: accomplished

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Tuesday, October 3rd, 2000
3:44 am - Well what a weird night ...
Well the evening started out rather weird, I met a friend and we headed over to a club, where my other friend was having a party type thingie.
Damn I looked good, had my corset on and bright red hair. I was feeling good, and all was good.
Well I did the door for a while until security showed up, and went inside.
And then the fun started .. I got sloshed. REALLY drunk. Everyone that went was from online basically. So I met some really cool people, it was awesome.
I fell flat on my ass on the dance floor was quite a sight. Cause I couldn't get up. Corset and all.
After the club closed, I was feeling good, not totally drunk though .. and I went out with a few of the guys that worked there, we went to an after hours club ..
well weehaw .. was great .. I was dancing and stuff .. then I drank a drink .. and wham .. world turned all fuzzy and dreamlike .. was rather freaky.
Apparently someone slipped something in my drink .. which would be a first for me ..
Anyways .. one of the guys I went with noticed me being very discombobulated. And he asked if I was ok .. I was like no .. I feel so .. drunk .. and this is after about 2 hours of my last alcoholic beverage...
So he took me outside, and gave me a juice .. it helped a bit .. then we went for a walk .. to a park .. and chilled until I was ok ..
it was a very weird night ... somethings I am not saying .. because .. well .. I'm not ..
heh .. more on the whole situation later

current mood: exhausted

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Sunday, October 1st, 2000
10:04 am - Dedicated to Someone .. and they KNOW who they are .... *glare*
SHES NOT THE CHEATIN KIND (3:27)
(Ronnie Dunn)

Shes dressed to kill in a dress he bought her
She wouldnt care if he walked in and caught her
Shes come to dance a dance or two
And do no tellin what by the time the night is through

She found out the hard way about him
Shes out to find out how shell do without him
Her hands are shakin, her hearts pounding
By the way shes drinking his memorys drowning

Shes not the cheatin kind
Shes been cheated on too many times
Oh, shes never fooled around
Hes still lyin shes through cryin
Shes not foolin now

She walks by and every head turns
You can see how hot her fire burns
He didnt know what a good thing he had
Well, its too late and thats too bad

Chorus Twice

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Saturday, September 30th, 2000
10:36 pm - Pain for fashion ... weee I can't breath
Well I went out today and I bought a corset. It cost me $189.95 and as far as I can tell it was worth every penny. I love it, even though the first time my cowork laced me up I could barely breath heh ... I am wearing it now, getting ready for tomorrow ... when I will be wearing it for 10 hours straight .. weeeeee .. its black .. with metal boning .. it is amazing. When I tried it on in the store I was like - WHOA!- where'd everything go .. then I looked up .. and noticed I was overflowing. I love corsets.It also seems to be helping my back, this may seem weird .. but its awesome .. holds me up straight. I can't slouch.
Also I got a pair of shoes .. for $10.14 love them I do .. I was going to get a pair of boots .. but I'll be on my feet all night .. so .. these shoes -rock-
I Now have short fire engine red hair, and am good to go for Sunday Night. I am so excited, even though it will be a long night .. I will have fun ..
welp I'm at work .. so I'll get back to writing at around 5am weeeee
Dana

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Friday, September 29th, 2000
6:00 am - Venting ....
Well where to start ... I am just rambling so excuse punctuation, and spelling and sorry ahead of time cause I am gunna jump back and forth as I always do when I ramble..
Ok .. first I want to just release all this crap I have inside .. all this hatred and anger .. and bitterness
My mother .. well she is a character .. she canoes in the winter with ice flows floating beside the canoe .. she is a great teacher .. I'll give her that .. she is a wonderful teacher .. but mother she is not.
I could never do anything right growing up .. if I made a 97 on a test .. she would ask where the other 3 points were ...
And after my dad left it was worse .. my dad wasn't the most .. dependable person in the world .. I took riding lessons .. and half the time I would be left standing in the school parking lot for hours until it got dark and the janitor called my mother to come get me .. as I went to school in the boonies.
Any ways .. my dad is now rather dependable .. and he is calm and centered .. and quite content with his life .. the one person I know that is debt free, and is happy with his life fully ...
Any ways .. sidetracks .. my mother hates him .. because of the way he was .. she turned into a bitter spiteful and horrid person .. then she got a boyfriend .. all fine and dandy ..
He abused me for a long time .. but i was a loner at school .. totally opposite of my sister .. who was the school slut
Yeah .. so when I actually told her this .. she -laughed- in my face .. sent me to a shrink .. who incidentally was a father of one of her students .. so she sat in on the -sessions-
He made me feel like such a slut .. like I begged for it .. meh
So any ways .. i tried to kill myself .. stupid I know .. but when I realized how stupid it was .. I called my friend from a pay phone because my mother wouldn't let me use the phone .. so to the hospital I go .. and the nurse called my mother .. who came down .. and the -first- words out of her mouth were and I quote her .. " Why didn't you return the late movies on your way here" those words will haunt me always.
So any ways .. I was in the hospital for 6 days .. after which I changed inside .. I turned bitter and hateful .. beh .. she brought out that in me ...
THEN came the Internet .. what a place I could hide and be myself .. any ways .. I quickly became addicted
made friends blah blah .. they convinced me to movie to Toronto with my dad .. said it would be healthier
welp .. what I didn't know is my dad lived in an office .. no bathroom or anything .. so I stayed at a nearby shelter ..
For two years on and off ..
bleh .. i am tired .. and I have a long day .. need to stop here .. cause I just do .. its hard just letting out everything .. but I think this helped a bit
Write more whenever I can

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Monday, September 25th, 2000
6:16 am - sleeplessness yet again
Night all
Off to sleep I suppose
or read

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5:38 am - Once again ghosts of my past .. haunt my future
Well that guy called again .. begging basically .. grrr
he annoys me...
think of my ex .. *sigh* the horrid one .. not the good one .. *murmles*
I need to forget him .. but some nights .. it comes back to haunt me in my dreams

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3:49 am - Wow ....
I have had the most awesome three days ever .. I haven't been this happy in years ...
weeee .. I love this .. I hop its stays like this

I GOT MY RAISE!!!!!

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Saturday, September 23rd, 2000
4:49 am - Ohhh more ...
Ohhh and at work tonight .. grrrr ... the manager at the store I -used- to work at bitched me out .. had me bawling I was so mad .. because it wasn't my fault the pizza was 1 hour 45 minutes late ... grrr .. so the manager at the store told him off for me hehe .. I was still in a great mood .. I was just ticked a bit ....

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4:34 am - The ghosts of my past walk silently within the days of the present.
Well I have an eventful night at work .. many things happened
First off I got a call from a former ... lover is I guess the best way to describe him...
He has the nerve to call me today after standing me up TWICE both on my birthday .. which was like 3 weeks ago .. *growl*
I was very cold shouldered towards him .. Like I want to go back to that! Please I have a little bit more smarts now ..
We met about 6 months ago and at first it was a purely sexual thing. Until he wanted more.. I have to admit it was tempting .. he has his own company .. has his own penthouse .. the works ..
*sigh* But then it was very subtle but he grew distant .. I dunno why ..
When he called tonight I was taken by suprize, but I quickly realised I would not go back to him .. I didn't want to deal with all the shit .. just for one or two nights of pleasure .. I am better then that now ..
Maybe I was a bit hard on him I don't know ... But what I do know .. is that I was -really- hurt when he stood me up ... on my birthday of all days.
Ohhh don't get me wrong I was soooo tempted to go but I said no .. and stuck to my guns .. which I need to do more often
I am still in a fabulous mood. I think I am finally learning that I don't owe anyone anything .. and I can do whatever I set my mind to .
I do owe someone an apology though. For my careless words, and big mouth. I am sorry. It was wrong of me to throw all that on you. You know who you are.
....
will write more later

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1:12 am - Bleh meh ick yuck
I had quite a night - but I'm at work .. write more when I get off

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Friday, September 22nd, 2000
10:33 pm - Still happy
Ok ... I am still in a great mood ;}
Wow ... I haven't felt this good in a long time. I want to thank that special friend who set me straight. I am a good person, and I do deserve the best ...
I am seeing the world in a whole different light right now. And I like who I am. I like where I am at for the most part. I am happy.
ok ... gotta get back to work .. lucky me .. write more when I get off work

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7:51 am
ok ... off to do laundry and shop for a new outfit .. maybe something green to highlight my eyes .. hmmmm so much to choose from
;}
write more when I can

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7:45 am - Happiness again .....
I am like beyond happy right now
went to a friends house, and talked for hours .. it was amazing .. he actually .. well I mean for the first time in a long time .. I had a really deep discussion with someone .. and whoa .. any ways .. he cheered me up a lot!

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1:21 am - meh ...
well .. ass you may call me .. said some stuff .. that I shouldn't have .. must learn to keep my mouth shut bleh

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